Wayne's story

Wayne had been struggling with anxiety, depression and obsessive compulsive disorder, triggered by some difficult life events. The challenging relationship with his father, his divorce aged 24 and losing two babies left Wayne feeling alone and struggling with anger issues. Wayne shares his story...

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"Imagine waking up every day to a grey and miserable day regardless of the weather, hating pretty much everyone and everything. That’s an insight into my life for the past 29 years.

"Until more recently, I had no purpose for anything in my life. You could say I was just counting down the years until I would pass away and the pain would stop.

"I moved out of home aged 19. My father has an issue with control so if things aren’t exactly how he wants them, he becomes very angry. My mother is amazing, she’s caring, thoughtful and would do anything for me. I got my sensitive, caring side from my mum but I got my quest for perfection from my dad. I can be anxious and obsessive over things and even people.

"When I moved out, I felt as if a huge hole had ripped open inside me. I was lonely and didn’t want to leave my mum on her own with dad. The first night away I cried in the shower. I wasn’t physically alone, though, as I had been in a relationship from the age of 16 and she wanted to move out so I followed. I was 21 when we got married, but a couple of years later, she left me and took our dog with her. She said she had fallen out of love with me. This broke me - I wanted someone who wanted me. We divorced when I was 24.

"I spent 6 months on my own and my mind completely controlled me. It took me about 45 minutes to leave my flat as I had to check everything multiple times. People laughed when I told them things I did… like not ever using the gas oven because I would worry about a gas leak. It’s hell to live with.

"First I was obsessed with golf and then I became obsessed with cycling everywhere. Tiring myself out by going on long bike rides was the only way I could sleep as I hated living alone. I developed an eating disorder, not eating anything other than fruit... I lost 3.5 stone. I looked unwell but I thought I had to improve myself for someone else, as my ex didn’t want me.

"Things started to get better in May 2014. I decided to try internet dating and, after some time, I stumbled across a photo of a beautiful woman in a blue dress. I sent her a message and, to my surprise, she responded. She became my new ‘obsession’, but in a good way! We really connected and she wanted to meet me. We met, sparks flew and we got married in June 2017.

"This was and still is the happiest time of my life, she is my world. We then decided we wanted to have a baby. My wife fell pregnant quickly and I didn’t think my world could get any better, we were ecstatic.

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Wayne's story

"But, sadly we lost our baby at 6 weeks due to an ectopic pregnancy. A part of me died that day. My wife had to have surgery to remove the baby along with her fallopian tube. Crying wasn’t enough to numb the pain of watching my wife in physical and emotional pain.

"My dark days then became the norm. I spent the next year like this. I hated the world, including everything and everyone in it. Some days I would pretend to be happy but underneath I was crying.

"Every day I aimed to upset as many people as possible because if they felt just a little bit of the pain I felt then they would know what it was like for me. The anger subsided during the year, but I still wasn’t happy. You could have given me the best present in the world or taken me anywhere and I’d have still been unhappy. This played havoc with my anxiety.

"A year had passed and we hadn’t managed to get pregnant again, which added to my struggles. People at work began to notice my ‘up and down’ moods and behaviour. One day, I went home and my wife said “I think you need to see a counsellor.” She saw the pain I was in. The slightest issue ruined my day and it was getting worse. I told my line manager how I was feeling but he wasn’t very understanding and I was labelled a troublemaker. I had to work on my own so I was lonely at work.

"I was at work one day when the team at Ben came in to explain how they help people. A lovely woman asked me if I needed to talk to anyone and I shrugged it off. I realised I was being negative at home too and putting all my problems on my wife’s shoulders. I didn’t mean to but I had no-one else to talk to.

"Then I remembered Ben. I sat in my car and called them. The helpline advisor was very understanding and could hear the desperation in my voice. After the call I cried but I started to feel like there was hope.

"I had my first appointment booked with a counsellor. Ben arranged everything for me and funded my first 6 sessions. It wasn’t until the third session that I started to see some sunshine in my life. I woke up happier in the morning and started to feel generally more positive. The people I spoke to during the day became part of it, rather than a target to upset. The weight was lifting. I was following my counsellor’s advice and it was a huge release.

"We then found out that my wife had fallen pregnant for the second time. This was the extra push I needed to live my life rather than watch it pass by. I still needed help after my sixth counselling session so Ben arranged some more sessions for me.

"When my wife and I went for our 9 week scan, we found out that our baby had died. I fell to bits and broke down in rivers of tears. I was expecting this news to put me in a very bad way.

Wayne speaking about his story and the support from Ben he received

"But I managed to see the positive and think about the happiness we had felt before we lost our little miracle. I know I owe this change in the way I handled things to my counselling sessions as I was now able to take this news, grieve and continue my life, unlike before.

"I’m pleased to say that I’m still strong. My wife and I both have a sense of hope that, no matter what, we can do anything as we have each other. My wife has been the rock I needed. My counsellor has been my fixer and Ben has been my saviour.

"I can honestly say that, without Ben’s help, I would have continued existing in a bad place. Who knows, it could have even got worse.

"I want to say to anyone reading this: you are never alone. Someone cares and someone can help. It’s perfectly OK to not be OK. Never feel ashamed or embarrassed to get help, it will change your world and it might even save it.

"Hopefully, one day, my wife and I will have our baby, but at least I can now enjoy the journey to that magical day."