Charlotte's story

“I have always struggled with low mood and dealing with my emotions. Usually I’m able to recognise my triggers and rationalise my thoughts. However, this year it was impossible. All I can remember is crying to my boss and calling Ben straight after. Work has prompted me to use Ben previously and encouraged me to get in touch. 

“I’m a bubbly, friendly young lady with an infectious personality that would light up a room, until my light was put out. My heart hurt and I couldn’t breathe or process any of the emotions I was feeling. I couldn’t make sense of anything that was happening to me. I was drowning. I was stuck in a well. I tried to climb out but it was raining so I kept slipping until I had given up. This was my rock bottom. 

“Suddenly I couldn’t do everyday tasks, like eating, wearing makeup, attending work or socialising with friends or family. I isolated myself. It was easier that way as I didn’t want to explain myself to anyone. 

“My team leader at work was amazing and excellent at looking out for me. I suppose I looked to her as a mother figure. I remember calling her and experiencing my first panic attack. At that point she said: “It's time now Char, you really need to call Ben. Do not wait or say you will do it later. Do it now. Do it so they can hear you.” 

“When you list what caused the pain in my life it doesn’t seem real. I suffered in silence throughout my childhood. My twin sister has always been my person and the only person who understands the pain, as she felt it too. For a long time, I felt worthless and didn’t have a purpose in life.

“Ben immediately made me feel comfortable to express my thoughts. I was reserved at first and chose the topics I wanted to speak about, you didn’t get the juicy details until a few weeks in. You have to build a relationship with your counsellor and case manager. These people were strangers at first, I wasn’t just going to bare all. However, these strangers soon become my people. 

“I was given 16 weeks of counselling with Ben once a week and had a case manager who I spoke to regularly. It took those 16 weeks to have a taster of what it could be like to be at peace with myself. I always wondered when they would fix me and when would I start living again. You don’t realise until your last session that you have to fix you, and you have been doing that all along.

“During lockdown, I didn’t have a safe place. The gyms shut and I’d isolated myself from friends and family. Ben was my safe place. I spoke freely and with each session I felt a sense of empowerment. I can control my own life.

“It’s not until now when I look back to where I was at the start of the journey that I can see I have come so far. I have done the hard work, I have come up for air and I can breathe. Now it’s time to recognise the triggers and put a plan in place. 

“I’m still undergoing counselling and will also be starting CBT. I don’t know what the future holds, but I have a rush of adrenaline and feel overwhelmed with my progress. I am hoping this is the real me. I’m slowly creating a new version of myself and trying to figure out my emotions and the impact they have on my life.

“With Ben’s help, I was able to identify my irrational thoughts and know that I had the power. I haven’t yet fixed how to deal with my emotions but I certainly can identify them and I know whether it’s rational/irrational. 

“I honestly could not be where I am now without my case manager and counsellor. I appreciate them listening to me when angry, happy or sad. Nothing was too much trouble. I can’t thank them both enough for their kind words of wisdom. With the help of Ben I have managed to come back to work on reduced hours.

“It’s not until you have finished a course of counselling you notice the light at the end of the tunnel. I have bad days and good days and a lot of work to do. I know I will still have panic attacks, I will still suffer from anxiety, and my thoughts will be irrational. I have a long road ahead but that’s ok, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

“I have no idea what the future holds, I just hope I’m happy. This was the absolute worst time of my life and I will always look back on it and feel emotional. I lost myself. I don’t know how I got through it alive. The pain was unbearable and I never want to put myself in that position again. 

“If I can give anyone advice, it would be to do it for you, not anyone else, just you. You have to be ready to accept help and it isn’t down to anyone else. If you aren’t ready, it won’t work. You need to know when enough is enough. Take each day as it comes, don’t be too hard on yourself. The sadness doesn’t define you, it’s the strength and growth you carry that does.

“When you realise it's ok to not be ok you can start living your life again and it feels great. I would not have been here today without Ben’s help. My Case Manager and counsellor really did save my life.”