ADHD and me

By Ellen Plumer, Head of Outreach & Marketing, at Ben.

Ellen has worked at Ben since 2015 in varying roles and lives in Surrey with her husband and six-year-old-daughter. She tells her story…

Having a baby was the trigger. That’s when it all clicked. I’d been hearing more and more about ADHD, it was becoming more prevalent, and suddenly I thought, "Oh wow, that’s me."

Growing up, I always thought ADHD was something that only affected boys. I didn’t run around causing ‘trouble’ and I certainly didn’t fit the typical ‘hyperactive’ mold. But what I did struggle with, and what no-one really talked about, was finishing anything. School was great fun and I found learning easy but I couldn't finish a single piece of homework on time. I would procrastinate until I was forced to do the work, usually in detention. Teachers would often say, “She’s capable, if only she would apply herself.” If there was no urgency, I couldn’t find the motivation.

This carried on into further education. The only time I’d be productive was when there was a looming deadline with some kind of added pressure or consequence. Without that, I wasn’t moving. I’d continue to put things off until the very last minute. And then, when time was running out, I’d hyperfocus. I completed my dissertation in a week - I did nothing but that, for an entire week. Thankfully, I got it done and it was good!

I’d get paralysed by the thought of having to start a task which is what’s known as ‘task paralysis’ - one of my biggest struggles. It’s almost impossible to explain to people who don’t experience it. It’s not being able to even begin something because it feels so overwhelming and impossible. Another symptom was often feeling like my body couldn’t quite relax, it was restless and never at ease.

I didn’t get diagnosed as having ADHD until I was 40 as it was becoming a parent at 35 which made me slot the pieces together and made the signs more obvious. The signs were always there, but now they were glaring at me. After reading up about the signs of ADHD, they matched my own experiences so closely that I now felt I had the answer. I had worked around ADHD my entire life, both personally and professionally, but I never thought it applied to me before.

The chaos of becoming a parent wasn’t what affected me most, I almost embraced that part of it. I didn’t mind the lack of routine because routine doesn’t give me the dopamine hit I need anyway. Routines can make me feel overwhelmed. It was the expectations of what I ‘should’ be doing every day which I struggled with after becoming a mum. I also couldn’t seem to keep track of all the appointments and things we needed to do.

I first started the process to get diagnosed when I was 39, mostly out of curiosity, wondering if medication would solve my task paralysis and procrastination. These were the things I had struggled with most my whole life and I had always thought it was because I was lazy. I constantly beat myself up about it, asking myself, “Why can’t I get organised?” or “Why can’t I be on time?”. I kept feeling like something was wrong with me. The perception, from myself and others, was that I wasn’t trying hard enough, but it’s just that my brain works differently and doesn’t fit into the neat boxes - or meet expectations.

There were some other strange ‘signs’ that came to light when I got diagnosed. At night, I always sleep with my hands up tight under my head in a funny pose and these are what’s known as ADHD ‘dinosaur hands’. It’s common for people with ADHD to sleep like that, in a dinosaur pose.

When I received my ADHD diagnosis, which was ‘significantly high’, it finally all made sense. There was a reason behind all of this - it wasn’t laziness, it was just the way my brain worked. Knowing this made me kinder to myself and realise that I wasn’t broken. There was a real reason for the challenges I faced.

At home, ADHD presents its own set of challenges. Sometimes, I need to do something impulsive to get stimulation and a dopamine hit. Life can sometimes feel a bit boring, and in those moments, creating a bit of chaos is the only way to feel something. My brain demands constant stimulation, but I can also hyperfocus on things like a new project at work or cleaning the house at 1am. It’s like a switch flips, and suddenly, I’m totally consumed by a task. For example, when I clean, I don’t just clean, it becomes a massive thing where I’m sorting out everything and then I tend to lose interest halfway through. Then there are other times when I’ll leave a suitcase half unpacked for weeks after a trip. Travel for work is easier, though. I keep a suitcase packed with the essentials that's ready to go.

I’ve always been an exceptional judge of character (ask anyone close to me). I pick up on things quickly, which is great in so many ways, but it also means I notice when something feels off. With ADHD, that can sometimes work against you. If you aren’t included in something, whether it be a plan or an invitation, it’s just not about missing out. It can validate doubts you already have about a person or a situation. It’s not about being overly sensitive, I rarely feel emotional about it, more affirmed. The key for me is recognising when that feeling is creeping in and not letting one moment dictate the bigger picture or the decisions I make.

I have now completed “titration”, which is the process of finding the correct dose of medication for ADHD and I can say that I'm torn. I certainly notice the benefits when I take the medication, but I also find it harder to manage the constant streams of information and juggling that comes with my role. My brain is slower and more focused which means I lose some of the amazing power of my brain to multitask like it's an extreme sport! It's a journey of discovery and I'm still finding my way.

ADHD can be difficult for others to understand, I know that. It’s taken me years to understand more about ADHD and that it isn’t a flaw or something to be ashamed of. It’s just the way my brain works. Now that I understand it more, I’m kinder to myself and I’ve stopped the cycle of self-criticism. It’s not always easy, but I’m learning how best to live and work with ADHD.

Watch Ellen's story on video and share to raise awareness about ADHD and neurodiversity...

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